I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
