the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
