I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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