Where is the hickey?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
