No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
