so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
