Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
