For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
