I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
