i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
