you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
