I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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