I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
