I met the friendliest cop last night
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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