hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
