Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
