he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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