I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
