hell yes lets make some ravioli
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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