I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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