He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
