She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
