Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize