The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
