I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
