last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
