I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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