her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
