I can't breathe out the right side of my face
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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