sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
