Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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