Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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