she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
