Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
