she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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