The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
