i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
