Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
