if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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