Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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