I love black thongs
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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