I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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