i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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