I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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