My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
