you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
