I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
