the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
