When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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