In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
