My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
