what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
